Strings Attached: Read the Room, Be Present and Death

…and we had him for the best 3 days of our lives. It was a heartbreakingly short post, three photos of a beautiful new born and two sentences. I slowly clicked the comments to express my condolences. As I read what was already there, one comment stunned me, “congratulations on your new bundle of joy……” I froze. I know this person meant well and I am sure they did not read the entire first sentence or any of the comments that preceded their’s. In a physical situation, we read the room, we sense the tone, what about virtual?

I must have done something similar. Statistically in my 12 years online, I must have. Did I leave a heart emoji when a sad face would have been more appropriate? Twenty years ago, when cell phones made the jump to ubiquity, I was at a technical conference. I noted with sadness that people were on their phones rather than face to face interaction. Was this a technical group fascinated by their devices or was it really shyness and the inability or discomfort in talking to others. Has this evolved into a social norm? I thought about these things with September Stunner Week.

September 11th 2001. I had a colleague who was in one of the struck towers. We were at dinner and she opened up about the experience in the deepest way, and I just listened. I’ve had similar experiences before and I’ve learned, I’m kind of like the vault, I’m told things that no one else can be told, like family or close friends, I’m sort of the void. It’s not that we’re close friends, but maybe for 10 minutes, we are.

September 14, 1989, 36 years ago today I experienced my first mass shooting. It’s the deadliest ever in Kentucky with 8 dead and 12 injured. When I arrived to work that day, everyone was standing in the bullpen, one of our colleagues was on the phone (landline only, no cell phones) with his wife who was hiding. In the aftermath, I ran into the boyfriend of a friend of a friend. We’d met at a party and he recognized me. He was at a complete loss, his girlfriend’s father was killed in the shooting. This was one of those times I just chilled and let him talk. He said he offered her suggestions and she kept telling him, he did not understand. At that point I smiled and gave him this example, “…that would be like you a white male repeatedly telling me my experience as a black woman when I crossed paths with the klu klux klan.” He got it, you know that moment you can tell when someone is completely rethinking everything. I added she’s probably got some anger to begin with, just be with her. Again, I was kind of that void. There was really no chance I’d repeat any of this to the med school crowd, or you know, go tell my fired to tell her friend….just a safe void.

The beautiful symmetry in life, people have been there for me too. I try to recognize when I do the “dump”and say, thank you for understanding and listening to something that is not your problem, truly thank you. That happened this spring. Y’all know I love a good trivia game. The event had a delayed start and I chatted with the MC a good 10 minutes if not 15. This was someone I didn’t know and it was a deep conversation about something I was struggling with, not small talk. I was fortunate to be teamed with a group of 5 kids who’d gone to camp together – so we were C5 and the councilor. We won Hella Black Trivia. With the team, I’ve come to embrace you can be friends for 60 minutes or 60 years.

So, for the second time in a week, I was stopped by a social media post. Rest in peace Professor Jeff. What? Surely this was wrong, you know how things end up in your feed because you are following someone else. This had to be wrong, this guy was only in his 40’s. The next day, Boston While Black sent out an email update and a couple of days latter, the MAAH posted a remembrance.

And just like that, this post was drafted; but it wasn’t the end. Friday was another death and one of the most beautiful obituaries I’d ever read. Yup, It’s been a week. This week, no condolences please, rather reflect have you been the void or maybe the safe for others? Have people been there for you?