Death Becomes Me

It happens every year; there is a name for it, the anniversary effect. For me, it’s a six week period where I withdraw. Text, emails, phone calls go unanswered, even if I initiated the exchange. There is a six week period that occurs in the fall that marks the anniversary of the deaths of my mother and my father. The died 7 years apart, but in the same season. I am typically well into the cycle before I realize the dates and recognize I am in my “death spiral.”

If you’re familiar with somatic responses, a fan of he book, The Body Keeps Score, the idea that the body stores trauma is not a new concept. That’s what’s behind the anniversary affect. It’s not just that the mind remembers a date, the body remembers at a cellular level. There can be physical sensations. Since this period coincides with fall, the change in weather, amount of daylight, things that used to signal my favorite season, fall, now send me into hibernation, and every year I seem to forget.

Funny thing is, I must know on some level. The last couple of months, I’ve incorporated somatic moves when I teach yoga. “We tell people to just shake it off and we say it sternly, with a stiff upper lip. Observe animals, something happens, they pause and register the event, then they shake, physically shake it off. We say it in words only, so let’s shake.”

Will I consciously remember this next year? I have no idea, this crawl into a hole thing has been going on for over 15 years. It starts like a dimmer switch, the light slowly gets dimmer until there is this period of darkness and suddenly, the light switches back on. Every year, I think, oh I will remember this next year, but I don’t. The I slog through the gotta play catch up, apologize and get stuff done.

I take a course; at the start of each class, the instructor asks us a question. This week’s question was simple, what is your favorite season? Mine has always been fall, the crisp air, the colorful leaves, back to school, books, knowledge, sipping hot beverages. Perfect weather, you’re not freezing or braving the elements. Only, that night, I wasn’t feeling fall, I felt sad. I said summer. It is only now a few days later I realize what was going on. This week, consider the possibility you have your own anniversary effect.